LOOKING BACK

Its unbelievable that 3 years ago in 15 days time that is, Lili finally had her first cleft surgery. All the waiting and anxiety was over, and i realised exactly what other parents had warned me about. I feel now that i can talk about my feelings about this surgery although most people would raise their eyebrows at the fact im being open dispite the fact that its the truth and alot of parents have felt the same even if they denied it to others. I hated the fact that i allowed Lili to have the surgery and i hated the baby that Lili became because of the surgery and i hated the surgery itself. I hated that i allowed the surgery to happen because it was to make her look "more normal" and she looked normal to me i loved her wide smile and 3 years on i desperately miss it. I hate the surgery its self because she didn't look like my baby anymore, 3 years on shes become her own person shes taken on actual features of both me and her dad aswell as extended family and shes got her own features too. And i hated the baby that Lili became because of the surgery because id grown to enjoy her sleeping through, the fact she almost never cried, Lili enjoyed sitting on her own and playing allowing me to do things on my own. After the surgery she cried almost non-stop i wasn't able to do a thing without her being on my hip and she was up and down every other hour. And it wasn't just after the surgery and because she was in pain it continued long after even now 3 years on im unable to lift a finger with her knowing and im not exaggerating. Although she has finally grew out of crying non-stop which is a relief even if it has changed to some rather annoying questions of where are you going and what are you doing if i so much as fidget.